chris’ candy review
so you think you gotta sweet tooth too!? dont sit there all plump,
content and reclined eating circus peanuts, thinking your
a cutting edge candy eater .....or offer me a root beer
barrel and feel satisfied with your glum life....get yourself
some malt balls and learn your candy roots....SUCKA. 
smarties are the best candy i dont care (what you say).....necco wafers can suck on it as well.. even though they try to be cool by having a smokestack thats painted to look like a necco wafer stick..just isnt cool enough to hide the fact they taste like junk. i bet the vatican are behind it.. they are flavored communiion wafers..catholic conspiracy confections....you been to the catholic hip hop headquarters .the PHATICAN..... screw em.......smarties dont need no stinkin smokestack (unless they have one) to wow the public to hide their junk candy (candy that tastes similar to junk) which smarties dont taste like junk so dont even play.....smarties got street cred.......sweet cred......mmmmm and
smarties necklaces....the only jewelry you’ll ever see me wear..except..my leopardskin bracelet.
but doesnt jewelry have to have a jewel in it. the singer jewel? on my
family jewels? while stanly drools? 
smarties necklaces are just good cuz they taste DUDICAL but just as DUDICAL as smarties from the stick. mmmm... there is no hipper accessory than a smarties necklace....screw fashion before function. smarties necklaces have both...mmm..imagine some sort of meat necklace.. a PORKLACE. (another column)
and dont gimme that bullshit no name brand non smarties candy necklaces you get 2 in a bag for fitty nine cents or 2 for a dollar at A plus while your high on shwag weed on a date with your girlfriend/cousin.
if it dont say smarties it tastes similar to junk.... did you know that ( no you didnt) smarties RIP cuz they only have 3 factories !!! they all make smarties 20 hours each day! one is in union, new jersey, (thats near me!)
the other ones are in ontario(in canada, smarties are actually m&m’s [boring] and smarties are called rockets) and south carolina
*did you know (no you didnt) they make 35 million pounds of smarties a year? (no they do)
*smarties are made by CE DE candy and have been making candy necklaces since 1954 (don’t FUCK with them)...
*thats over 2 billion rolls of smarties, according to their website (math cant do me)...
*if you placed those end to end they would span over 85 thousand miles. isnt that crazy? (i dont get out much)
ok well other candy i like.....
* smarties are the only candy where strawberry is green
oompa’s.....willy wonkas new offering .....(in the book willy wonka the oompas swear)
does anybody out there remember the willy wonka candy PUNKYS?(if so write in so i know im not imagining) they had a box that layed horizontal and opened right in the middle........they were around in the 80’s. their taste came close (but no candy cigar) to smarties.
spree....mmmmmm chewy spree are good to.....spree are cool too cuz spree is plural. i ate one spree ( deer, cheez-it). i ate all the spree ( deer, cheez-it)
sweet tarts are okay. (ill take yours but wont purchase)
but candy should be made for mass consuption.....after 10 sweet
tarts my toungue gets bumpy and hurty (i dont need that shit)
hey! eat our candy but dont eat too much cuz you get tongue herpes.
smarties dont play that shit! 
im sick of skittles.... so 80’s.
twizzlers are good (the nibs rule)but especially since places sell the big bag for 99 cents....(which is slightly above my price range)
runts......my favorite, of the runt fruits are the bananas and the cherries...mmm and chewy runts are so DUDICAL.......chewy is a strange thing though..its like an ugly chick.....take some ugly chick....(work with me here) then give that ugly chick an accent.(english, southern, austrailian). ..it makes her 2.5x hotter!!! just like being chewy or gummy(next issue “the gummy (chewy) revolution”)
ok thats the end of this issue of the cavity.
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until next time....leave me alone unless you’ve got cream filling!!!