Steve's Guide to Shitjobs (or.. What's The Least I Can Do?)

By Steve Levandoski

Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people. IF you are lucky enough to get signed, the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having and losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.

November 2003: More Office Bullshit.

The next location they sent me to was an insurance company. I was an administrative assistant's assistant. In other words I got to stuff envelopes. For those of you who have never stuffed envelopes before, you take a piece of paper, fold it, and put it in a envelope. Then you put it in the stamping machine. I must have managed to clog up the machine about a thousand times in the week I worked their. I don't think anyone else ever did once. I got my own desk though. That was so cool. It even had a nameplate on it. Well, the nameplate of the girl who was on vacation, who did it permanently. I got bored and looked at her calendar once. On Wednesday the 16th of September she was getting a tattoo. She had a smiley face written next to the words 'Get tattoo!!!". I hope it wasn't a tattoo of a smiley face.

Anyway, the job was really boring, but I had access to the free coffee station. It was there that I discovered the joys of putting a hot chocolate packet in my coffee. Sheer genius on my part. I call it the Ghetto mocha.

My coworker Janice was really nice though. She was a black lady whose kid went to my school. He was a couple of grades ahead of me, but I remember him as one of four black kids that ever went to our school in Lancaster. Yes, you racist fucks he was our basketball/football star. Speaking of being racist, I'm going to give it try here. I hate to stereotype, but if their one thing I learned about working with sweet black ladies when you're a shy kid who can barely stuff envelopes correctly, I learned that they will feed you. Nonstop. In the morning I got doughnuts, she always just happened to bring an extra sandwich for lunch, and I got candy in the afternoon. If I ever said 'No thanks, I'm not hungry', she would just stare me down and look insulted until I ate the food. (Not to sound racist again, but her son was a football star, and I find that black men stereotypically don't enjoy their moms being insulted.) I tried to hide a candy bar in my desk once and she caught me. It was a really scary day. I was getting really fat, and I knew I had to get out before I had to buy new pants. That's when I moved to Philly.

Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
January 2006 Security Guard, Part Six (The Turf Club Final Installment.. )
September 2005 Security Guard, Part Five
July 2005 Security Guard, Part Four
April 2005 Security Guard, Part Three
February 2005 Security Guard, Part Two
January 2005 Security Guard, Part One
December 2004 Headhunter
November 2004 Christopher's Bakery
September 2004 Bike Messenger
June 2004 Hospitality Staffing
March 2004 A new Temp Agency for Steve!
February 2004 The Civil Service scam
January 2004 I Become a Trainer
December 2003 Clean Water Action
November 2003 More Office Bullshit
September 2003 The Office Job
June 2003 Brick Factory
March 2003 Carter's Children's Ware
February 2003 Isaac's
December 2002 The Conclusion of The Incinerator
October 2002 The Incinerator Three
August 2002 The Incinerator, part 2
July 2002 The Incinerator
June 2002 Data Entry Yoni Style
May 2002 The Microchip Factory
April 2002 The Demolition Man
March 2002 MXL-Safety Glass Sweatshop
February 2002 Flagging
January 2002 Temp Agencies
November 2001 Corporate Movie Theater
August 2001 K-mart

Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It