By Steve Levandoski
Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people. IF you are lucky enough to get signed, the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having and losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.
So I decide to go the temp route again. I called the good people at the Addecco office in Philadelphia, but they basically told me to eat shit. They had more high-ended office jobs. You know, positions that require college, computer skills, typing, or me becoming a hot chick in a mini skirt. (The latter is the one I would have the best chance putting off). So I hooked up with an agency as desperate as I was. They were called American something. I think it was called American Staffing. It was located in Northeast Philly, and I had to take two buses to get there.
I filled out my paperwork, did the callback, lied at the interview, and was hired. They sent me home, and said they would call me if anything came up. A week went by. Then I was given a job for the next day. It was first impression time. I set the alarm and got totally trashed. Early to booze, early to snooze I say.
I woke up and gave my self plenty of time to shower, shave, put on deodorant, and make it there my usual fifteen minutes early. (Don’t laugh; I’m actually very punctual. No, I’m serious, ask my mom) I put on the clothes I laid out nice and neat for me the day before and headed out the door, with my directions. Then I got on the wrong bus.
I’d tell you my adventure being lost, but it was already covered in a Simpson’s episode with Lisa trying to get to the museum. (Hey, I was new to Philly. Blow me). Anyway it took me an hour to notice I was headed the wrong direction, and I wound up getting there waaaaaaay late. I was just sent home. The gal at American staffing was pissed right the fuck off. “You’ll never work for us again, moron”, screamed American Staffing gal.
So the next time I worked for them (More than one human resources gal, fuck you bitch!) I was told to go to their office. I was relieved; I was already there once. My job that day was to actually work in their office. That was a warning sign. I wondered if one of the full timers there figured out that the best way to get out of some bullshit, annoying-ass assignment was to hire a temp to do it, and flub the paperwork.
I was right on the money. My duty was to call all the employees who didn’t work for them for over a year, to see if they still needed a temp job. This was a real kick in the jimmy, because I was in the office begging for work, and they gave me THIS shit assignment. (Maybe the bitches in Human Resources talked during lunch). So every call had the same beginning but three possible endings.
The Beginning:
“Hi, this is Steve from American Staffing. May I speak to (insert name of fuckhead)? Our records indicate that he used to work for us, and we have jobs available now.”
The Four Possible Endings.
“I’m sorry he doesn’t live here anymore”
“I’m sorry she isn’t home”
“I’m sorry I have a real job now.”
“We’re sorry, this number has been disconnected”
I also got a lot of answering machines. I wondered how long I could go on doing this bullshit. I only wondered that for one day, because no one from American Staffing called me back ever again
Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
January 2006 Security Guard, Part Six (The Turf Club Final Installment.. )
September 2005 Security Guard, Part Five
July 2005 Security Guard, Part Four
April 2005 Security Guard, Part Three
February 2005 Security Guard, Part Two
January 2005 Security Guard, Part One
December 2004 Headhunter
November 2004 Christopher's Bakery
September 2004 Bike Messenger
June 2004 Hospitality Staffing
March 2004 A new Temp Agency for Steve!
February 2004 The Civil Service scam
January 2004 I Become a Trainer
December 2003 Clean Water Action
November 2003 More Office Bullshit
September 2003 The Office Job
June 2003 Brick Factory
March 2003 Carter's Children's Ware
February 2003 Isaac's
December 2002 The Conclusion of The Incinerator
October 2002 The Incinerator Three
August 2002 The Incinerator, part 2
July 2002 The Incinerator
June 2002 Data Entry Yoni Style
May 2002 The Microchip Factory
April 2002 The Demolition Man
March 2002 MXL-Safety Glass Sweatshop
February 2002 Flagging
January 2002 Temp Agencies
November 2001 Corporate Movie Theater
August 2001 K-mart
Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It