By Steve Levandoski
Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people. IF you are lucky enough to get signed, the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having and losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.
My next assignment was at Kay Bee Toy Store in the Gallery shopping mall in Center City. You would think that the job would be easy, but it sucked ass. I arrived on time as usual and met the assistant manager (assistant manager means full-time hours with shitty benefits). He briefed me on my duties, and I learned that standing near the entrance like a jackass while fantasizing about chairs for eight hours wasn't going to cut it. It looked like some higher-up middle-management fuckwad decided that a policy preventing school-age children from playing hooky and hangin' tough at the Kay Bee would be rather socially responsible. Mind you, this is in Philadelphia, where truant kids looking at fake toy guns is probably low on the wayward child totem pole, when there are so many real guns to play with. It's the same school of thought that closed down the Bareville Fire Hall punk shows: the best way to make sure that kids stay out of trouble is to take away any kind of harmless fun, bore them senseless, and then keep them out of view of adults. To enforce this nonsense (that's right I said nonsense), I literally had to card kids under the age of 18 during school hours. I shit you not.
I'm really not the kind of guy who should be put in charge of anything at any time, because things are hard for me to do, and I tend to fuck things up,especially when it comes to using intimidation to force people to do stupid things that make no sense. The first problem to get me into trouble (and this is going to sound really effed up) was Asian people. I really don't want to sound racist, and I mean no disrespect. To me, though, the fact of the matter is that 70% of Asian people look like they are between the ages of 15 and 21. You have never felt like a complete and total asshole until you card a 32 year old man for entering a toy store. I have to admit, my "oh we are just doing a promotional survey" response was a rather clever save, if I do say so myself. The other group to get me busted was the guilt-trip kids. On average, there were 30 kids combining their wits against one of me (and the one of me tended to be, well, less than sober). One of them would come up and give me a sob story about their sister's birthday or a school holiday or some bullshit. Then I, being the Mother Theresa with an attitude that I am, would let them slide. About 30 seconds later that little shit's entourage would run past me yelling, "Hey man you just let my friend in and he's 17!" Then the assistant manager would give me the sarcastic 'way to go Steve' eye. Needless to say I filed for a transfer on the third day. Or I was asked to leave due to incompetence. I forget.
Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
January 2006 Security Guard, Part Six (The Turf Club Final Installment.. )
September 2005 Security Guard, Part Five
July 2005 Security Guard, Part Four
April 2005 Security Guard, Part Three
February 2005 Security Guard, Part Two
January 2005 Security Guard, Part One
December 2004 Headhunter
November 2004 Christopher's Bakery
September 2004 Bike Messenger
June 2004 Hospitality Staffing
March 2004 A new Temp Agency for Steve!
February 2004 The Civil Service scam
January 2004 I Become a Trainer
December 2003 Clean Water Action
November 2003 More Office Bullshit
September 2003 The Office Job
June 2003 Brick Factory
March 2003 Carter's Children's Ware
February 2003 Isaac's
December 2002 The Conclusion of The Incinerator
October 2002 The Incinerator Three
August 2002 The Incinerator, part 2
July 2002 The Incinerator
June 2002 Data Entry Yoni Style
May 2002 The Microchip Factory
April 2002 The Demolition Man
March 2002 MXL-Safety Glass Sweatshop
February 2002 Flagging
January 2002 Temp Agencies
November 2001 Corporate Movie Theater
August 2001 K-mart
Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It