By Steve Levandoski
Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people. IF you are lucky enough to get signed, the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having and losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.
This Month I’m writing about a scam instead of job, since I enjoy doing whatever I feel like doing. Anyone who has a problem with that is supporting terrorism. Think about that douche bag.
I decided to turn to the City Paper again, since it was right in front of me. You would think that I would have learned my lesson by now, but that’s just not my style. I saw an ad that said for $75 dollars, I could get information and practice tests for the Civil Service Exam. I was so pleased with myself. Think about those idiots that joined the reserve. Instead, they could have just paid less than a hundred bucks, and got a high score that way. You see, I don’t have to kill people or be smart to get ahead in life, I just need $75 bucks! (Note for those of you who don’t know how the government job operates. You see, first you take an exam for a certain job. The highest score gets the job. Ex-military get automatic extra points. Why do you think tollbooth operators always seem so shell-shocked?)
Right then and there, I decided that I wanted to be a mailman. (No, not a "postal carrier", shut up and shave your armpits.) I figured that my life would be pretty much like Charles Bukowski’s post office. You know, drink whiskey, get a new shack-job every week, deliver mail. And I look great in uniform. Especially blue, it brings out a heavenly, but not fey, hue in my eyes. All in all I would look fairly dreamy.
So I called the number, and this really nice guy took my information. I gave him my name, social, and address. Then he asked me for my check routing number. “That way I can take the money over the phone instead of waiting for your check to come by mail.” He seemed really adamant that this was a good idea, so I read it to him. Zip, I’m $75 dollars broker. He said it would take six to eight weeks to come in the mail. Well, it’s been about seventy-two weeks now, and I still haven’t got it. Sometimes I get the feeling that it isn’t coming at all.
Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
January 2006 Security Guard, Part Six (The Turf Club Final Installment.. )
September 2005 Security Guard, Part Five
July 2005 Security Guard, Part Four
April 2005 Security Guard, Part Three
February 2005 Security Guard, Part Two
January 2005 Security Guard, Part One
December 2004 Headhunter
November 2004 Christopher's Bakery
September 2004 Bike Messenger
June 2004 Hospitality Staffing
March 2004 A new Temp Agency for Steve!
February 2004 The Civil Service scam
January 2004 I Become a Trainer
December 2003 Clean Water Action
November 2003 More Office Bullshit
September 2003 The Office Job
June 2003 Brick Factory
March 2003 Carter's Children's Ware
February 2003 Isaac's
December 2002 The Conclusion of The Incinerator
October 2002 The Incinerator Three
August 2002 The Incinerator, part 2
July 2002 The Incinerator
June 2002 Data Entry Yoni Style
May 2002 The Microchip Factory
April 2002 The Demolition Man
March 2002 MXL-Safety Glass Sweatshop
February 2002 Flagging
January 2002 Temp Agencies
November 2001 Corporate Movie Theater
August 2001 K-mart
Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It