By Steve Levandoski
Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people. IF you are lucky enough to get signed, the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having and losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.
I figured that my job at Clean Water Action went so well, that I needed to give the City Paper classifieds another shot. So I saw an ad that said "Looking for detail oriented person to train individuals in an exciting new company." I thought to myself, "Damn, I like telling people what to do almost as much I like excitement. I’m totally there".
So I take two trains and a bus, and make it to the job site, out in the middle of Northeast Philly. I walked in looking very nice (I showered even), and sat in the appointment room. Now mind you, I didn’t know what I was training people to do, but I figured that if it didn’t involve math, I was good to go. They had free coffee too, but I didn’t partake since coffee always makes me have to pee, and I didn’t want any kind of bladder discomfort during my interview. Then dude called my name and I started the interview.
So dude asked me the usual questions, like if I liked people, and was goal oriented, and responsible, and I told him what he wanted to hear, after giving him a firm handshake, and making eye contact. (My high school guidance had a big effect on me during career day). Then he said that I was in. All I had to do was mirror two of the senior employees. I was like "What?" "Well, before you train somebody, you have to go through training yourself" "That makes sense", said I," But what exactly am I going to be training them to do?" Dude changes the subject, "Oh, here’s your team leaders now. Have a great time!"
Two guys walk in the room, both wearing very cheap suits. I forget they’re names. The one guys decided that the best complement to his K-mart suit was a black pair of generic high top sneakers. I’ll refer to him as "High top Tool" I will refer to his partner as "Other Tool" They introduced themselves, and told me to get my stuff, and get ready to "hit the field"
So I hop in the back seat of High Top Tool’s compact piece o’ shit mobile, and gave Other Tool shotgun. (I know how to impress on the first day.) We made small talk that was so inane that I have it blocked out to this day. Then High Top Tool mentions that he needs to make a pit stop at his pad. It didn’t bother Other Tool or me.
We pull into a Motel that had a built in titty bar. I’m not making this up. "Why are we stopping here?" I inquire. "Oh" says High top, "This is where I live. I just gotta feed my snakes before work" Silly me. So we go to the hotel room that is his residence and walk in. I was introduced to his mail order bride, who he yelled at for some reason I forget why. Even Other Tool seemed wierded out. Then he introduced me to the snakes, and gave me a quick biological lesson. The lesson was mostly centered the size of mouse that each snake ate, and the resulting snake shit.
After that, its time to go to the job site. We pull up to a commercial district, and squeeze out of his car. I said, " So, this is the place huh?" Other Tool said, "Yeah, I think this spot looks like a good one." "For what? You know they never mentioned what is was that I was supposed to do." Then I see High top walk to the trunk of his car and pull out some children’s books. A lady walked by and he walked up to her and tried to sell it to her like a crack head. After all, it WOULD make a great birthday gift. I was like, "Are you fucking with me. Look, we passed a train station up the road a little bit. I’m outta here." High top said, "Are you sure? After five I’ll give you a ride back to the office. You’re sure? Well, that cool, you lasted longer than most people." Since it was a "training day," I never got paid. With all the money I spent on buses and trains, I really wish that I had some of the free coffee.
Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
January 2006 Security Guard, Part Six (The Turf Club Final Installment.. )
September 2005 Security Guard, Part Five
July 2005 Security Guard, Part Four
April 2005 Security Guard, Part Three
February 2005 Security Guard, Part Two
January 2005 Security Guard, Part One
December 2004 Headhunter
November 2004 Christopher's Bakery
September 2004 Bike Messenger
June 2004 Hospitality Staffing
March 2004 A new Temp Agency for Steve!
February 2004 The Civil Service scam
January 2004 I Become a Trainer
December 2003 Clean Water Action
November 2003 More Office Bullshit
September 2003 The Office Job
June 2003 Brick Factory
March 2003 Carter's Children's Ware
February 2003 Isaac's
December 2002 The Conclusion of The Incinerator
October 2002 The Incinerator Three
August 2002 The Incinerator, part 2
July 2002 The Incinerator
June 2002 Data Entry Yoni Style
May 2002 The Microchip Factory
April 2002 The Demolition Man
March 2002 MXL-Safety Glass Sweatshop
February 2002 Flagging
January 2002 Temp Agencies
November 2001 Corporate Movie Theater
August 2001 K-mart
Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It