By Steve Levandoski
Let's face it. If you are a musician you will probably never make enough money to pay the rent on that 2-bedroom apartment you share with 8 other people IF you are lucky enough to get signed the little money the record company doesn't screw you out of will be squandered on MC Hammer-type mansions (he's doing credit card commercials now), or tied up in some lawsuit. You will need to get a shitjob. I've enjoyed the privilege of having a losing about thirty different jobs in the four years since I dropped out of college. This is my guide for al you young bloods out there. Each issue will feature a different job I once had in chronological order,and how to take advantage of it while it takes advantage of you.
Here are the past issues, in case you missed them or need to review:
August 2001
November 2001
After the movie theater, I entered the wild world of temp agencies. A temp agency is basically a job contracter that hooks you up with job, and then takes a certain percentage of your hourly wage for all their trouble. Try think of it as a employment pimp. Lets say that a job pays twelve dollars an hour. The agency would keep four dollars an hour, and then pay you seven.
I signed up for Adecco Temp in Lancaster. If you live in the land of Lanc, have no jobs skills, no education beyond high school, and lack all motivation what-so-ever, Addecco is the place for you. It is the White Castle of temps, and deals almost exclusively with manual labor jobs that are so mind-numbingly boring that only a complete sped could work there over a week without his brain turning into putty. The turnover in those positions is so high that the companies call their friends at Adecco to keep a steady supply of hapless morons like me to work the jobs.
Now we get to the temp worker game. Rule number one: every single job they give you sucks the fatty dick, but you have the option of transferring to a new job in two days if you call and ask. You know the work going to be hell, and you won't be able to make it three days. So the only way to win is to call as soon as you arrive at a job, before you even start it, and request a new one. With this strategy I was able to work about sixty different shit jobs in a year by filling out one application with no loss of work between jobs.
Rule number two: perfect the art of acting stupid. Since you are only going to be there two or three days, you don't need to make a good impression. The companies already assume that you are a complete and total idiot, so there is no need to prove them wrong. Then they will expect nothing out of you. If they think you have half a brain, they will dangle a phony permanent position in front of you like a carrot, and work your ass off. There is a snowball's chance in hell you will ever get a permanent job from a temp job, because the companies are obligated contractually to pay the temp service a huge finders fee if they want offer you a position. Anyway, when someone shows you how to do something, ask them to repeat themselves at least twice. Practice blank expressions in a mirror at home. Keep your shirt half tucked in, and try to speak as slowly as possible.
In the next few colomns i will break down each temp job I had with Adecco, and how to take advantage of every one. Next months feature will be "Flagging Traffic- its not just for gun-toting, racist, Korean War vets anymore!"
Don't miss Steve's other regular column: Steve's Not Having It